AUTHOR = JAX
E-MAIL = jax@jaustin1.fsnet.co.uk
"Now, I just want you to relax," intoned the psychiatrist.
I've been coming here for three months and up to now nothing was working for me. Luckily my health insurance was paying for his time for it was certain I could never find his high fees.
"Let's go over it one more time, shall we?" he said.
I don't know what good it was going to do to say it out loud one more time. I closed my eyes and thought back to that long weekend.
"We had only been married a few months," I said softly, "and we wanted to get away from everything and everybody just for a few days. We borrowed this little tent and backpacks and took the train. We walked hand-in-hand for most of the day until we found this lovely little site. You know, it was one of those small sites that only allow five units on it. We pitched our little tent and lit our stove to make coffee and then we heated some stew out of a can."
It was so idyllic, thinking back, the sun low in the sky was still warm and she was with me.
"Did you make love that night?" he asked.
Sure I did, I remembered. I fucked my wife every night since we were married.
"Yeah," I said.
Her skin was smooth as silk with gentle rounded curves. True, she wasn't big and busty, but then I don't like my women like that. She was slender with great long legs that looked just great in her shorts.
"So why did you decide to stay?" he asked.
Why did we indeed?
"It was perfect there," I said. "The place was empty and that's what we wanted, a chance to be alone together."
"It didn't stay like that did it?" he said.
No, it fucking didn't, I thought.
"No, it didn't," I said.
"So what happened?" he asked.
"We didn't see them arrive but when we returned from our walk that second day there were two big caravans parked," I said. "It was too late in the day to break camp and move on so we decided to stay one more night and then move on the next day."
"So what happened then?" he asked.
I didn't want to say, I never do when it comes to this part.
"I didn't want to go," I said, "but Jenny said it would be bad manners to refuse, so in the end we joined them."
"What were they doing?" he asked.
"They had this big barbeque going and they were all drinking," I said.
"So you joined in?" he said.
"Yes," I confirmed.
"There were four couples and a few other guys as well. I'm not sure where they all slept but then they were very big caravans," I said.
"So carry on," he pushed.
"They kept pushing drinks on us," I said. "Both Jenny and I don't drink a lot so I soon started to feel the effects."
"Yes?" he said.
"Then things started to get boisterous," I said, "people chasing around and yelling. I didn't feel very well and I wanted for us to go back to our tent."
"But you didn't?" he said.
"No," I confirmed. "There didn't seem much point. With all the yelling and screaming going on we would never have gotten to sleep."
"Then what happened?" he asked.
I closed my eyes tight and I felt them getting wet.
"Jenny disappeared," I stated.
"Disappeared?" he said.
"Yes, she was there one minute but when I looked again she was gone," I said. "I asked where she was but they all just laughed."
"So what did you do?" he said.
"I went looking, but it was so dark," I said. "I called out her name a few times and when I did I could hear them all laughing at me again."
"But you did find her?" he asked.
Yes, I fucking did, I screamed inside my brain.
"Yes," I whispered. "The moon came out from behind a cloud and bathed the whole field in its soft light."
"Yes?" he prompted.
"I could see this heap of bodies over in the far corner," I said. "At first, I couldn't make it out but as I got closer I saw that Jenny was under this guy and he was doing it to her."
"Doing it?" he queried.
"Yes doing it, fucking her right," I shouted. I closed my eyes again, trying to regain my composure. "Yes, doing it," I said. "I rushed over as fast as I could, yelled like a banshee, but before I could help, I was intercepted and flattened by a couple of them. They held me face down so I couldn't see but I could still hear his grunts as he did it."
I couldn't go on. I had to stop if only for a few moments.
"So what happened next?" he asked after about a minute.
"I heard him come," I said. "You know, I couldn't hear him moving any more. He had grunted extra loudly and then he sighed. 'Me next,' I heard too, so I knew he had finished. Then I heard Jenny cry out and I struggled harder to get up and help her, but I couldn't move. The guy, the one who had just finished with her, came over to me and sat on my back and started to talk to me."
"'You've got a right sexy wife there, mate,' he said. 'Likes plenty of cock, does she?'"
"'Get off me,' I screamed."
"'Now that wouldn't be fair,' he laughed. 'The boys haven't had their go yet. Shall we go and watch? Yeah, let's all have a treat and watch your pretty wifey enjoying herself.'"
"So they made you watch?" said the physiatrist.
"Yes," I whispered.
"No, I want you to tell me what you saw," he asked.
Please god, no.
"No, I can't," I said.
"You have to," he insisted. "If you don't it will lie festering inside your mind."
I closed my eyes and once again saw my nightmare unfolding before my eyes.
"Two of them held me while they all took turns with my Jenny," I said seeing it all again in that pale moonlight. "They had ripped her top open to expose her breasts and her shorts were torn completely off. One guy was pumping between her legs while two others were holding her arms and slobbering over her chest. He had only pulled his jeans down a little for I could see his white rear as he thrust in and out. I remember that there was a lot of laughter between them. Then I heard him grunt as he finished. Then one who was holding her arms moved and dropped his jeans to take his turn."
"How many were there?" he asked.
How many? I don't know I've never thought to count.
"I don't know," I said. "Four at least, perhaps five."
"How did you feel when you saw your wife being raped?" he asked. What sort of question was that? "Did you feel anger, disgust, excited or what?" he pushed.
"Excited? That's disgusting," I shouted.
"Your manhood was hard though, wasn't it?" he said firmly.
Damn the man, I thought.
"I wanted to kill them all, rip their hearts out and cut off their cocks," I said.
"But your cock was hard, wasn't it?" he said again.
"Yes, all right," I screamed, "I was so hard it was painful."
"There, that wasn't so bad now, was it?" he soothed.
"What sort of man gets hard when his new wife is being raped right in front of his eyes?" I asked in a whisper.
"A man's mind is a complicated thing," he mused. "When we're young, like you, any hormonal imbalance will cause some strange effects."
"What the fuck does that crap mean?" I said angrily.
"Look, you had a hard-on while you were witnessing an arousing sight, that's not unusual by any standards," he explained.
"But it was my wife they were raping," I said.
"It doesn't matter," he said patiently. "On some unconscious level she was just a sexy girl being made love to and that aroused you." It still didn't make any sense to me. "Look, we are making progress," he said with a big smile. "Your inability to gain an erection is linked to your arousal on seeing your wife being raped."
"You think so?" I asked.
"Oh yes, without any doubt," he said, sounding confident.
It had been an exhausting session but at least he thought we were making progress. I made the drive home with mixed emotions.
"How was it, love?" Jenny greeted me cheerfully with a kiss.
"Fine," I said and kissed her back.
In truth the ordeal had been less traumatic for her than for me.
"Look, love," she explained afterwards, "I've had men looking and lusting after me since I was twelve."
"Yes," I said, "but this wasn't looking or lusting, was it?"
Those men were never found. We called the police, of course, but they had disappeared. In some respects it was a godsend for we didn't have to relive it all again at the trial. My troubles started later for I found, as much as I wanted to, I couldn't get hard enough to make love to her.
"It's alright," she said gently. "We have to give it time, that's all."
I would hug her tight, night after night, but my cock just wouldn't get hard. In the end I went to my doctor who, after examining me, referred me to this physiatrist.
I closed my eyes and screwed up all my courage.
"The doctor told me today that my problem was all down to me." I paused not wanting to speak the rest but I knew I had to. "It's all down to me getting excited while I was watching them doing it to you," I blurted out. "This is all on some primeval level you understand."
"Yeah," she mused, "it sounds good to me."
"What?" I said pushing her away. "You don't think it strange and disgusting that I had a hard-on while watching you being, being..."
"Raped," she finished for me. "God no."
"But I was aroused," I said. "As hard as I've ever been."
"Look, love," she pulled me closer and kissed me, "the hardest thing for me to get over wasn't that I was being gang raped. But I knew that if I had been just a little more drunk, and they had been a little more gentle, I might have gone along with it and enjoyed it all. Now do you find that strange and disgusting?"
I just stared at her pretty face unable to utter a single word.
"Just give it time and everything will be fine," she said.
"You didn't though, did you?" I asked.
"What, enjoy it?" she laughed. "No, it was terrible and traumatic and for a while I was devastated, but I've gotten over it and so will you, given time."
"You think so?" I said.
"Yes, I know so," she said with confidence.
It took a couple more months of therapy but she was right.
THE END
